Don't ever leave me

My friend Morgan posted a link to a blog. Nolan's Story.
There was a picture accompanying the link- a premature baby. I saw the picture before I saw the link or the title, or what Morgan had written. For a second I thought it was Cain. Then I read what it all said. I wrote that I would read it while my babies were napping, as everyone else said they bawled like babies when they read the blog. I couldn't wait. I was curious.

Not 15 minutes later I was halfway down the blog page. I surprised myself. I was tense, and anticipating the outcome of his story, as I already read that he didn't make it in Morgan's post, but I was also comparing my situation to that described in the blog. I was interested in reading this story because I went through something similar with my first pregnancy. I was surprised because people (nurses, doctors, social workers) had geared me towards support groups and informational websites, but I was never interested. My attitude was this: "My son is not healthy. He is struggling. I need to be here, by his side, and do whatever I can to help him. I don't need no emotional support, I don't want to hear what you bee through. I want my baby t be OK and your shoulder, ear, or story is not going to hep me." Both in my pregnancy, and after Cain was born I felt like this. I don't want to waste time reading about other people and how they managed. I wanted to get as much information and HELP MY SON. I guess I am letting go of these intense feelings of protecting and am no longer shut off from the world, in fighting mode.

Nolan's Story. You have to read it. It's long, if you follow all the links and read all the posts, but it's a story that every mother (parent) should consider.
When the final moment came, where Ashley and Chris, Nolan's parents, are called to rush to the NICU, I lost it. I had experienced most of the things she wrote about before, but that scene where she walks into the NICU is every parent's worst nightmare.

This was my initial reaction

I sat here bawling like a baby. Cain was born at 32 weeks, but was the size of a 27 week old. Nolan was born at 27 weeks but was a lot smaller than average. Cain went through a lot of what Nolan did, and I went through all of Ashley's emotions. It's just not right.
After I read Nolan's story I picked Cain up, and when he saw that I was crying he immediately hugged me and said "sorry". I told him it wasn't his fault, that he had done nothing wrong, that I was reading about a little boy that was born early like him, but didn't make it. He just looked at me with big eyes. A song came on; "He's got the whole word in his hands". Ironic. I never knew the words to that song. I just looked up at the "sky" (ceiling) and cried when I heard the third line "He's got the little tiny baby, in his hands.." Cain grabbed my face with both little hands and turned it towards him, and kissed my lips, and I just held him and cried.

I don't know what I would do if I lost him. Then, now, tomorrow, when he is all grown up.. My children are my world, but it is not complete without their daddy.
Some people think that I chose to have Cain in Holland, that I chose to not be with Chris, that I left him. I didn't. It was just how things happened. I needed him during that time. My mom and the guy I rented a house from only know how much time I spent on the phone with him. (lol)
Very early on I decided I wanted to have his children. No, we didn't PLAN to have Cain. Neither did we PLAN for Caira. It doesn't mean that we love them any less. If I would lose any one of them I would lose my mind. I can't, I don't want to, and I hope I never will, have to live without any of them.

Reading something like this, knowing it actually happened to someone, gives you a whole new perspective on life. You appreciate what you have so much more. I don't know what I'd do if I lost them.

They say God only gives you as much as you can handle. That proves it right there. I can not lose them.