The miracle of life

On August 26th 2008, my sister enters my hospital room, early in the morning.
I had called her the night before, and said that the ultrasound showed very little blood flow to my unborn baby, and that I had to redo the test in the morning. If it hadn't improved, I would go to the OR the same day. Cain was starting to show more signs of stress too- his heart rate would drop sometimes during echocardiograms and he moved less.

We talk and giggle, watch TV and just wait around until the nurse comes in to take me downstairs to have my ultrasound. This didn't take very long as I had priority because of Cain's health risk.
During the ultrasound we acted silly and giggled some more, this is what we do when we are nervous. I had so many ultrasounds before, I could pretty much read them myself by looking at the screen.
A lot of null flow, that's where the blood doesn't flow at all, basically just pools, really. Cain was slowly suffocating, he had been for over 4 months.

The first time the doctor noticed something was wrong was at 19 weeks gestation. Cain was about 4 weeks too small for his age. This could have several different reasons and therefore mean several different things. One possiblilty was that he had a chromosomal disorder; either Down's syndrome, or another trisomy that makes life outside the womb impossible. To test for these, I would need an amniocentesis. (Where they stick a long needle through your belly and extract some amniotic fluid for testing)
Another explanation for his growth retardation was an infection, which they could determine by a blood test. Of course there was also the possibility that he was just small, but that was very unlikely and we all knew it. My sister happened to be with me at this visit. I about lost it. I was crying uncontrollably and didn't know where to go when they sent me upstairs for the blood test. Good thing my sister was there with a semi cool head! (She is very cool, by the way.)
I sat in the waiting room, crying, for a while before the called me in to withdraw some blood, sharing the space with other people, some young children, who were all scared by my crying. I felt so bad, but on the other hand didn't care about anyone or anything at that moment, I just wanted my boyfriend. (Who was in the States, almost 4000 miles away.)
Slowly but surely, one after the other, the tests came back negative, as I was being monitored very closely. I went in for extensive ultrasound bi weekly, until I got placed on bed rest at the hospital at my 27 weeks gestation check up. Completely unexpected. Most of my family was out of the country for vacation, luckily my sister came to my aid again, when they told me I couldn't leave the hospital and someone had to come bring me my stuff.Now, 8 weeks after I got admitted to the Children's Hospital in Utrecht, The Netherlands, the doctor gave me the verdict. Cain had to be born today. We could not wait any longer, as his chances of being born with brain damage were great now, because of the oxygen deprivation. I had known this day would come for months. They gave me 2-4 weeks when I first got admitted, and said that if he were born today (8 week ago) he may never be able to walk.
I was nervous but excited and CURIOUS at the same time. I had gone on the neonatal tour, where they showed me premature babies in their incubators, and expected me to be scared or surprised. I was neither. I was very unemotional about it all, just looking to get as much information as I could, going about it in a business like manner; getting ready to be the best preemie mom I could be.

I went back up to my room, and decided I wanted to shower before I went in to surgery since I wouldn't be able to for a day or 2 after wards. Time went by, and more of my family members came to the hospital. My mom who was clearly losing it, my little sister (16) who I had talked to on the phone earlier and told that Cain would be born today, and she needed to shower, get dressed, eat something and go to my mom's work at noon. I think she kept pretty cool too, as she packed a lunch for everyone. The little mommy of the group. My brother, who had just come back from his vacation, and looked a little confused by what was all happening.

The nurse came back, it was time for my IV and catheter. YIKES! Both were disastrous!

OK, here we go! My sister was the substitute daddy, as only one person could be in the OR with me. One of the nurses would take pictures of it all, so all she had to do was sit there and hold my hand.

We laughed hysterically, until the surgeon popped up over the divider and yelled that we needed to stop laughing. My belly jiggles like Santa Clause even when I'm not fat..
My only other way to cope was to cry. I had been hoping, wishing, that Chris could make it to Holland before this day. I had envisioned him walking in as a surprise almost every day after our siesta, since he told me every time, that it was gonna take another couple of weeks.

It was so quiet now, and it seemed to take so long. I could feel them pulling and pushing. I started to think something was wrong. Nastasia stood up and peeked over the divider. WOW! She didn't even pass out! It seemed tense in the OR, to me. I was sure something was wrong. Were we too late??? Did he not make it??? "Baby out" They called the time. 2.18 PM. He wasn't crying. Is he OK? I tried to look, but didn't see anything of course. There it was. The tiniest cry in the world. My sister started crying. "Oh Cas! Do you hear that?" I just laid there.
Cain was born. 2.3 lbs. August 26th 2008, 2.18 PM. I was a mommy now.